Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
