Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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