he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just gift wrapped bread.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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