im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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