I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
