bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
