just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
