Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
