Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My balls are so social today.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
