its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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