he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
