Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
