I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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