I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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