your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
