Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
