I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
