Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize