I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
