why didn't you poke me back
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
