I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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