Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
