He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
