it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
