life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
