I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
