i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
