I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
