Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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