Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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