i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
