I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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