he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
