is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
