Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
