Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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