we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
