What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
