oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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