he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
