She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
