My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
