So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
