It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She's the barista slut.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
