btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
