life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
only if we run a train.
done.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
