There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
