I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
