12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
