can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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