You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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