I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
