dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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