I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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