i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
