I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
